Dietary Restrictions

Monday Missives #38

The day before I left Chicago, my friend in Detroit with whom I would spend two nights, sent me a text. In it, she asked, “Any dietary restrictions?”

Over the course of my 4-week driving tour across the country, in almost every city I went to, I stayed with someone I know. To be with (old and new) friends (aka family), stay in their homes, and eat meals with them at their dinner (or favorite restaurant) table, was one of the most wonderful parts of the trip.

Each time, either in advance or as soon as I let them know when they could expect me (usually I texted the day before and again when I got on the road to head to their place), they would ask me some version of, “do you have any dietary restrictions?”

I know that they were (probably) asking, “Do you have a gluten issue? Or a lactose intolerance (dairy) problem? Do you have an allergy of some sort? Are you vegan, vegetarian, or pescatarian?”

While there are so many more reasons why they asked me that question, the one I heard, loud and clear, was, “How can I make you feel comfortable while you are here?” It reflected each person’s desire to make me feel at home and to express care for me. It was also how they showed their curiosity aboutme. In fact, by asking me that question, they really made a statement. They said, in no uncertain terms, “I want to know you.”

It was an opening to greater intimacy. All it required was an honest answer. So, in my reply to my friend in Detroit, I said the truth, “…no restrictions [as in allergies etc]. I just don’t do mushrooms or olives 🤣.”

It was a version of the same answer I gave every other time.

My Nebraska friend: “Any pizza preference or avoidance?” Me: “—avoid mushrooms and olives :)”

My Illinois friend: “What would feel good for dinner tonight? Any thoughts?” Me: “Hmmm I’m good with anything…except mushrooms.” (side note: notice I left out olives that time…)

My Colorado friend: “the Hubs asked me to ask you if there is anything that you’d like him to make for dinner next week [when you get here]. Me: “Chef’s choice! (and I’m not a fan of olives or muchrooms.”

Each time I gave that answer, I realized how far I had come since earlier this year. All that relative ease with saying what I want (or don’t want) to all these different people was a far cry from the hemming and hawing, the saying “no” when I meant “yes,” or worse, the lying by omission, I still caught myself doing as recently as this summer. Only now, after all the work I have done, each time it happened over the summer, I recognized it for what it was—an old pattern I participated in most of my life in which I play the part of saying “yes” when I really want to say “no,” because I think if you are happy, then I will be happy; if you are okay, I will be okay.

But it never worked out that way. Instead of being happy or okay, I got mad. Then I blamed you for my choices and nurtured a resentment against you which I used to justify my aggression passively leaking out sideways at you. And when that ran its course (and sometimes even mid-stream), I felt ashamed, embarrassed and bad about me. All the while, underneath, I was really mad at myself, not at you. Because in hopes of ensuring that you would not abandon me, I abandoned you but not before I abandoned myself.

(Addie and I had a whole conversation about some of this on the podcast—here is a link to that episode in case you wanna listen in on that).

Intentional Intimacy

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So, this summer that pattern showed up in the small (sometimes big) ways with people I love and who I know love me. When they asked me a direct question, I hesitated to respond with the truth. Then I felt the need to defer to whatever (I thought they would think) they wanted or was best for them. Never mind that they were asking me what I wanted. I still did not believe, in my heart, that to take care of me is to also show care for you.

Only this summer, when I saw the toned down version of that old pattern arise in me, I took note. And once I did that, I made a decision to do something different. So, for the past few months, I practiced, practiced, and practiced speaking the truth—without worrying what you would think about me because I chose to have a turkey burger instead of a beef burger, or because I did not want to take the leftover pizza with me. And guess what? Each time I did that in the small things (sometimes with the help of some prompting from a dear friend), it got easier to do it in the big things. Which is why I now know how to pause before I make a decision, take space before I give a response, and say “no” to someone I love…and recently I discovered that when I do that, it gives them the time and space to consider their own choices and sometimes, change their mind—for themselves.

All that to say, when I ask for what I want or when I answer your question truthfully without equivocation, it serves you as much as it serves me. It is in everyone’s best interest. Because it’s honest. It’s true. It’s real. And from that place of honesty, truth and reality (or as some might say, authenticity…I know, I know—but you gotta admit, as a word, it really does encapsulate all this so well), we each have the information we need. It removes the guess work and it means there are no surprises. So, when we come together, even when we want different things or have different ideas about how to pursue them, we are now in a dialogue about who we are and what we desire, not having an argument about what we think or making a demand for what we require. We have the opportunity to cooperate with and assist each other, not work against or dismiss each other.

So, yeah, saying “yes” when I mean “no” and lying to you by omission actually does a disservice to both of us. It is not loving—to you or to me.

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Today, whether inelegantly, easily or just sorta kinda, each time an opportunity presents itself to share with you who I (really) am, I will lean into my discomfort, be honest about what is true for me, and remain open to what is true for you. Or as someone recently said:

“True intimacy comes when I can say, ‘I don’t need you to be anywhere but where you are.’”* To which I would add: “And from where I am, I offer you the same dignity and respect I want for myself.”

Which means I get to own all of my dietary restrictions:

• No olives or mushrooms (obvs);

• No snails, oysters, or mussels;

• No brie or blue cheese;

• No fruit, nuts or seeds in my salad;

• No green peas anywhere in a 10-mile radius from where I am; and

• Unless the leafy greens are sautéed spinach, I only want to consume them in the form of a green juice (that, ideally, also includes an apple for a bit of sweet).

There are a few more, and, if you ask me, I am more than happy to tell you about them.

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*My initial, internal reaction when I heard that was, “Well, actually, I want you to be where I am!” It was revelatory. Now I know what I get to work on next. Yay for continued growth and expansion!

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Meals Out: Now that I’m back home, where do you think I went for brunch this weekend? Yep, you guessed it. Water Street Kitchen, and of course I had my usual (Steve’s Breakfast—eggs scrambled of course) with a side of tomato-cucumber salad (in its own, separate bowl…which I love because I have a thing about too many things being on the same plate together).

Listening (voice): Lots of replays of the latest episode I am editing for the Stories that Sparkle Podcast. Check it out when it comes out this Wednesday 10/15 wherever you get your podcasts (I’ll be driving to New York that morning…’cause you know, that’s how I roll these days).

Listening (song most likely on repeat): Wow. I just realized that I have not put on any music since I got to the airport to fly home on Wednesday. I must really need to fill up the silence tank. (Last week I did listen to an excellently curated selection of tunes while cruising around Fairhope, AL).

Watching: Back at home and with my iPad propped up next to me in bed (I have a TV but I don’t use it), I watched the latest season of Unforgotten—another one of my fave British crime shows on PBS. This one is a little more on the dark side (aka not as campy as some of the other ones I love), and while less obviously formulaic than some of the others, it does include the vibes of “these detectives are really good at what they do at work but their personal lives are a mess but they can’t or won’t confide in each other so they sigh frequently and often put their head in their hands.”

Most Hours Logged Doing: Thursday and Friday turned into back-to-back “do nothing days” (a friend of mine shared that term with me on a call this weekend and I just had to use it). I tried to carry that vibe into Saturday and Sunday, but alas, I had a ton of work to catch up on. So glad I prioritized lovely, long calls and an in-person hang with my besties.

Monday Morning Meditation: 10.13.25

When someone asks me a question, it is an invitation to be who I am. It is up to me, not them, to accept or decline. Am I willing to risk saying yes…to myself?

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Is there a topic you would like me to write about in a Monday Missive? Cover in a podcast episode? I am curious about what you are curious about and would love to hear from you so leave a comment below or drop me line.