Mile Markers
Tuesday Tidings #22
I pull into the garage. In one fluid motion, I put the gears into park, turn off the car, and hop out. Without even closing the car door, I walk straight through the door into the den, past the couch, and out the sliding glass door. Immediately, I kick off my shoes, and walk, barefoot, across the brick patio and onto the freshly cut grass. In front of me, majestic and steady, stands a I-have-no-idea-what-it’s-called tree in full bloom. The sun, slowly setting and the wind, calmly blowing, caress my face, as my eyes close, my breath deepens, and I exhale into my body.
Without thinking, I drop down in the flower bed to the left and begin to pull some of the weeds that have started to take up residence and clear out some of the leaves and branches that are in the way of the new growth steadily emerging from below. Then I move on, refill the bird feeder, kneel down by different flowerbed, and continue to dig in the dirt without gloves or care in the world.
After I have no idea how long, I stand up, sit down in my little outdoor chair, and watch the birds have a snack and muse at the dirt in my finger nails. I sit there for…however long, and do, think, and say nothing. Not one word.
April is a big month filled with key birthdays—my mom (who passed 11 years ago and would have been 87 this year), my aunt (who is 11 years younger than my mom and who has the same birthday), my grandma (my mom’s mom who passed away in the early 2000s…I think…sheesh, can’t believe I can’t remember exactly when she died), and my ex-husband (cannot fully escape it yet; it is so deeply engrained after more than two decades of being together, that even though we have been divorced for five years and not speaking for over two years, I cannot extract that date from my head).
They are mile markers in my life. They represent key people—people I love(d), people I struggled with, people I needed to learn to forgive.
Maybe that is why digging in the flower beds feels so much easier than sitting down at my desk to do the necessary admin side of things, all the things I would rather put off—book guests, update my website, fill out spreadsheets, schedule and re-schedule—all of it feels like a herculean effort.
But not as a big of an effort as what lies ahead and the real thing I am delaying. In just over a month, I will give my first talk to a room of mostly unknown-to-me women. I have spoken to large groups before but in a very different context. This time it is a more formal setting, a big, somewhat nerve-wracking step out of my comfort zone.
The idea of it sounds great, one which I have set an intention for and worked towards for a while. The reality of it, however, requires a Powerpoint. It means putting what I have to say in some kind of container. After spending almost two years working things out in this freeform creative space, exploring ways to express myself, and finding the center within myself, I am both excited and absolutely terrified.
What if I can’t get together? I mean, it was a struggle to write this post this week, and I still have to work on the pod episode for tomorrow while prepping for a recording session this afternoon…I mean, what if I get so behind and put it off so late, I make a total fool of myself when the day comes? And right behind that, a case of the “f*ck its” kicks in. I’ll just cancel. It’s better that way. Clearly, I do not have the fortitude, commitment, or consistency required to do any of this. I would much rather live in the fantasy of being a “could have been” than finding out I am really a “never will be.”
No wonder I would much rather spend my time outside, in the sun, clearing out leaves from around the plants emerging from the ground. Out here, I feel like I can do anything. My mind can process and settle down at the same time. Staring at a blank screen while the cursor taunts me to say something, say anything, while I try to wrestle down the words and plop them down into some kind of format, feels like lifting a million trillion pound weight.
Most of that is my ADHD talking. Some of it is my fear talking. And all of it is why I have invited some of my besties, the ones who live here, to be in the room with me. Not only will having them there help me to show up that day (as in, actually, physically show up and not bail), but I also know that when I look out and see them in the room, no matter what is happening on the inside of me, I will be able to calibrate and focus on the love outside of me. After all, they have been with me for all of it, especially the last six years. They watched as I grieved on the floor, held out their hands to steady me as I wobbled (repeatedly) when I stood up, and cheered for me as I found my equilibrium. They know me. And they love me. Just as I am.
It is good for me to remember those key mile markers, whether they are birthdays or points along my journey. They help me to appreciate the wisdom I have gained from each situation, person, and moment in time. Collectively, they form a roadmap to which I can refer when I am unsure of how to do what I want and need to do today. After all, when I started to write and decided to host a podcast, I felt very much the same way as I do about giving this talk. Today I do both consistently, even if not perfectly. It has been (and still is) quite the journey. And the best part?
I am just getting started.
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Meals Out: Ok, so, on Saturday I went to a golf course out on Long Island, NY and practiced hitting golf balls. I mean, what? If you know me, that sentence is just wild. Anyway, afterward my boyfriend and I had dinner sitting at the bar at Cipollini Trattoria. Perfection.
Listening (voice): Ya’ll, another five hour drive and no podcasts. I guess I really needed the silence. (I did work out a few things on my drive on Sunday…one of the reasons I love long drives. Very meditative for me).
Listening (song most likely on repeat): Heard this in the car on the way out to Long Island on Saturday and it stuck in my head. It was the one thing I did listen to on my drive home on Sunday…a bunch. Reverend by Kings of Leon (Apple Music).
Watching: Not sure if I have mentioned Rooster (HBO) yet…if not, I will do that next week. Maybe. If I remember. This week I want to shout out Shrinking (Apple TV). I have talked about that show before, I think. Anyway, on Wednesday, the season finale aired. And wow. The very end of the finale left me in tears as I watched someone act out in their anger because of their very deep, old hurt. It was so powerful in its relatability. Especially because this show centers around therapists, people who “know” all the things, the terms, the reasons, and yet, in their very human experience, they too have pride and fear kick into protect them from pain. Of course they do. But to see it depicted in this very real way, to describe it not only in the words the characters say but also in the scene, the set, the music, the everything that goes into this kind of production, reminded me of the power of storytelling in all its forms. I am beyond curious where they take this cast and this storyline next season. According to Bill Lawrence, creator of this show, there will be a risky shift. To be continued…
Most Hours Logged Doing: Well, I spent most of Saturday outside on a golf course followed by an extended nap…it was glorious. And on Sunday, I spent the day driving to Virginia and the late afternoon digging in the dirt. Equally glorious.
Tuesday Morning Meditation: 4.7.25
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My divorce got official in April! I broke one of my teeth on the day, and it will finally get fixed this April. I thought about that last week.
Yes!!!!! I love this soooo much ❤️I also have birthdays of people I might not want to remember stuck in my memory. Maybe someday they will fade, but if not, that’s OK, too. Here’s to just getting started and all the amazingness that is too come 🥳