Skip to the End

Monday Missives #5

The Woman in Cabin 10 is the whodunit on this shelf…but did I skip to the end?

I used to read a lot of mysteries, spy dramas, and legal thrillers; steamy and sometimes historical romance novels; and sweeping fantasy sagas featuring vampires or dragons (sometimes even a dire wolf). Often, when things got gnarly, my anxiety around not knowing if the fictional people populating fictional places would be ok was so intense (co-dependent much?), I skipped to the end of the book and read the last few pages to find out who did or did not make it, how relationships did or did not resolve, and what the fate of (sometimes) humanity would be. I just needed to know. Because once I knew the outcome (good or bad; happy or sad), I could keep reading and remain calm if a betrayal, tragedy or heartache popped up. I already knew where it would end up—eventually.

But one time that really backfired. I was reading The Swarm by Frank Schatzing, a possibly (most definitely) prescient book that Amazon summarizes as The Day After Tomorrow meets The Abyss. The premise was captivating. The world created was engrossing. And the underlying commentary thought-provoking. About halfway through, the tension rose to such a height that I started to feel really stressed. Then I got anxious about the fate of some of my favorite characters. It was too much. So, I did what I always did. I skipped to the end.

***SPOILER ALERT***

(if you think you might want to read The Swarm—skip to the end!)

And in those last few pages of the book, my favorite character, the one I was most concerned about, was still alive! Relieved, I flipped back to the middle, started reading from where I had left off, and calmly moved through plot twists and cliffhangers without batting an eye. After all, I knew how things would end.

As I got close to end of the book, my fave character suffered a devastating turn of events. I was stunned because I thought I knew how it would all turn out. I mean, it had been there, on the page, in black and white, when I skipped to the end. How had I gotten this so horribly wrong? To find out, I kept reading and that’s when I realized—the ending I had read was a flashback. In other words, the end was really the beginning.

I’m sure there is some sort of life lesson in there somewhere, like, “pay attention—details matter” or “if the end is already written, get busy living today” or “you don’t know what you think you know so know what you don’t know and accept that you don’t know it all.”

Phew. That’s a lot of mental gymnastics to do.

So, I’ll keep it simple. Today, I will not fast-forward through my life or skip over things—not even the tragedies. I’ll get ok with not knowing exactly where I am going, how I will get there or even when I will arrive*. Because even when life feels really fucking hard, scary or dark, it is also full of laughs, light and, most importantly, love. And I really don’t want to miss any of that.

*even if sometimes I totally want to know all of that.

Meals Out: Water Street Kitchen (my happy place brunch spot that I go to with one of my super besties and where we sit in the back room for an extra long amount of time to enjoy the bottomless cups of coffee. Usually I have 2 eggs scrambled, sausage, bacon, and brioche toast plus a side, but today I had the breakfast burrito special with tater tots. It was delicious).

In the back room of the Water Street Kitchen

Listening (voice): South Beach Sessions: Dan Le Batard x Dave Berry (South Beach Sessions is a spinoff from The Dan Le Batard Show with Stugotz where Dan has one-on-one for conversations with all sorts of people. This was one of my favorites. It was a pleasure to hear two writers talk about tragedy, love, writing and humor. You know, all the things.)

Listening (song most likely on repeat): Follow the Sun, Xavier Rudd (a song I play every time I go on one of my (many) daily walks to remind myself to put everything in its proper perspective—including myself.)

Watching: Father Brown Season 12, new season out on Amazon Prime Video with BritBox subscription (I simply cannot resist a British murder mystery set in a quaint, country-side town surrounded by rolling hills and seemingly permanent sunshine with high tension between the amateur but very expert (more expert than the police) and also meddling sleuth (in this case, a priest who is always in priest garb and wayyyy open-minded about all sorts of things) and the Chief Inspector who really wants to be a Superintendent in London but is stuck in the middle of nowhere which he is now ok with (he even turned out a promotion and a move back to London!) because he fell in love with the amateur detective’s assistant who doubles as a housekeeper (or vice versa), a super smart, slightly goofy and always kindhearted (war) widow surrounded by other, very lovable and endearing recurring characters (like the bumbling, gentle giant sergeant or snarky but reformed former derelict—historically a young man but now, more often, a young woman) that serve as comic relief and/or touch point for not too serious or controversial social commentary).

Reading: Lots of books about the ways we hold (big T and little t) trauma in our bodies.

Most Hours Logged Doing: Second recording session of the audio version of The Stories That Sparkle. A friend and I sat down to chat about, among other things, what exactly this not-cast podcast is about and how it might evolve. Or, how I would like for it to evolve. Or, how I will stay open to how it wants to evolve. Not sure how all that will end and since I cannot skip to the end, I guess I’ll find out when I find out.

Monday Morning Meditation: 2.17.25

Don’t focus on getting the results I believe I need or think I should want. Focus on trusting the higher good and continue to walk into what is ahead. Because if I keep going, I will keep growing.