Stop. Step Aside. And Watch.
Monday Missives #20
Just below my jaw bone, in the squishy undercarriage of glands that sit underneath and in the middle, a sharp tension pulls in. It pinches every fiber and travels, as a cascading constriction, down the front of my throat. When it grips my air passages and cinches them shut, anxiety pumps up from my belly. Now all I want is to coat my chest with a thick, heavy layer. Once I do, my breath, a shallow inhale, sticks at the top of my rib cage. But as hard as I try to turn off this rising tide of emotion, the unstoppable pain surrounds my heart and squeezes. Hard.
In acceptance, I drop down into myself. My eyes dump out a river of tears. They flood each side of my face, across my cheeks, down my neck, and into my cleavage where they soften the hard edge. With a shake and a tremble, I plant my feet and allow the surge to rise and fall, ebb and flow, until it settles in my belly right before it rushes down my legs.
This is my grief.
My bestie Hope and I stand on either side of the hospital bed. The back of the bed is upright. Through the tube in her right arm, clear liquid filled with antibiotics pumps straight into Barbara’s veins. A pillow props up her head which makes it easier for her to look at us. Her eyes, suddenly very bright and very alert, pierce into ours. And with a clear, steady voice, she says, “Stop, step aside and watch.”
As soon as those words roll off her tongue, she slumps back a little, closes her eyes halfway, and lets her head tilt to the side. Silently, Hope and I tighten our grip around the bed rail, look across at each other and read each other’s minds. What does that even mean? And why did she say that, right now, to us?
Barbara said those words some time in the afternoon on Saturday, June 8, 2024. It was one year and one day ago today. It happened only three days after I drove home from Connecticut and I told my other bestie that I was in a free fall, internally, and that I knew, in my bones and in my gut, that my work life was about to change.
But it was not until I stood next to Barbara in the hospital that day, and heard her say those words, that I knew that the change coming towards me was much bigger and deeper. The change was about much more than where or how I make a living. And whether or not I could see it with my eyes or feel it in my feet, the ground beneath me was shifting.
There is something you need to know about Barbara. She was intensely spiritual. She had a deep knowing. And she was a woman of few words. She often said things (really, she dropped truth bombs) without explanation and then waited for you to work out, for yourself, over months, maybe even years, what they meant—to you. Because Barbara was, in my experience, the rare kind of spiritual teacher who gave you the dignity and respect of your own space and the love and grace of your own timing.
The day Barbara dropped this particular truth bomb, I was in Atlanta to see her for the fourth time in as many months. I knew that her fight against the cancer ravaging her from within was waning. She was tired. Her once sharp mind, jumbled by a brain tumor that crept back in as it grew bigger, faltered. She said very little (even by her standards), routinely forgot entire conversations, and often struggled to form clear and coherent sentences when I spoke to her—in person or on the phone. And the new experimental drug, the Hail Mary we had all been waiting for, worked its way slowly, too slowly, through the system.
Which is why, when I left the hospital that day, I had no idea if I would ever see Barbara alive again.
I wrote this post last week and worked on it some more this morning. In light of the one year anniversary of Barbara saying “stop, step aside, and watch,” I want to shine a light on her. Because while I did not know what Barbara’s words meant a year ago, I am very clear on what they mean (to me) today.
STOP
Stop thinking about what other people think about you.
Stop thinking about thinking about what other people might be thinking about you.
Stop thinking that the outcome you can think of is the right outcome only because you can think of it.
Stop thinking about how much you think about stuff.
Stop—just stop—thinking.
STEP ASIDE
Step aside and feel into your body.
Step aside and leave space for your heart.
Step aside and be curious—about yourself and others.
Step aside and let go.
Step aside and let your light shine on its own.
WATCH
Watch who comes closer and who walks further away.
Watch what others do not what they say.
Watch when the things you want become the things you have.
Watch where you go once you no longer care about how to get there.
Watch why you want to do or say something before you act or speak anything.
While I still am not entirely sure why Barbara said those particular words, in that precise moment, to Hope and I, I do have my suspicions. Just for today, I will sit with them as I stop, step aside, and watch.
Meals Out: I was in class all weekend, eating up a lot of spiritual and emotional nourishment, and enjoying my meals in community within the retreat center. But don’t worry, I am sure that I will be going to Water Street Kitchen for brunch next weekend.
Listening (voice): Nothing…like I said, I was in class all weekend.
Listening (song most likely on repeat): If not now…, Tracy Chapman. I mean, what’s not to love about this song? It is an inspiration to live and love—now, today.
Watching: Between traveling, spending time crying my eyeballs out, and being in class all weekend, I had zero inclination to watch anything. In fact, I was hardly on my phone and had about 52 unread text messages by the end of Sunday. I do, however, look forward to watching the latest episode of Death Valley (my absolute favorite new British murder mystery show).
Reading: Nada. Well, except for keeping up with, here and there, the demise of the world’s most obviously destined to fail bromance (that was before the weekend). Now I am paying close attention to what is happening in the streets of Los Angeles.
Most Hours Logged Doing: Learning more about the inner workings of my heart and soul. Woah. That’s a very dramatic and also very accurate way to describe what I did this weekend.
Monday Morning Meditation: 6.9.25
If I am not the problem, there is no solution.
If I am angry at someone else, there is something I am sad about for myself.
If I push them away, there is something in me that I fear.
And if I am judging their actions, there is something for which I want to shame myself.
Today I will stop, pay attention (step aside), and notice (watch) what is happening in me. Because I can allow myself to grow whether or not others choose to grow.
Is there a topic you would like me to write about in a Monday Missive? Cover in a podcast episode? I am curious about what you are curious about and would love to hear from you so leave a comment below or drop me line.
Oh Hella. This was touches my heart and soul. Thank you for walking this path with me. Together, we never have to do anything alone. Ever. (Another Barbara-ism). I do love you so🩵