The Real Reel

Monday Missives #12

All weekend, while my mind was offline, I asked myself a bunch of questions (about how I connect with or withdraw from others and why). Then last night, after I shared some of those thoughts with my bestie, I also told her how much I love making reels—not only because they are a real (short) creative outlet for me; not only because they give me a real way to be hyper focused (while editing); and not only because they give me a way to express a real (dorky) side of myself, but also because making reels gives me real pleasure. (Oh, pleasure. That still feels like a real loaded word which is not something I want to admit. Maybe because I am ashamed that I have shame around owning my pleasure so I’d rather not.)

Anyways, after the lights were turned off and I crawled into bed, I thought: what if my life is one long collection of reels? The kind that are on the verge of being really short (micro) films with a beginning, middle and end. The kind that I made all the way back in 2000 (my Y2K era) on Adobe Premiere (!) after I completed a masters degree in media studies (with great hopes, in my mind, for the democratization of content creation because the means of production and dissemination were no longer exclusively in the hands of mega-merged corporations). Then I thought about how I stopped making that (or any) kind of art (for almost twenty years) and how today, a different set of mega-merged corporations pretty much control all the content (because after a brief disruption, it turns out, not much, except for the pipes, has really changed). And then I thought about how my real life (with real people) exists outside of the content machine of targeted algorithms so why am I even thinking about any of that.

Maybe because I am (still) afraid to be real. Or maybe I am afraid to be really real (with myself) about the fact that I (still) reel from loud noises (including raised voices), harsh words (including those not directed at me) or misunderstandings (including those between others).

Yeah, I can be real about that and give myself the pleasure of making a reel (of me unboxing the Easter package my aunt in Germany sent to me). That’s what I call a real reel.

A real painting by a real friend that I got in the mail not in a reel.

Meals Out: None (unless you count all the meals I had at the retreat center I was staying at).

Listening (voice): Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself by Dr. Joe Dispenza (not a podcast but a book that I listened to as I fell asleep and woke up in the middle of the night five chapters in so I will need to re-listen).

Listening (song most likely on repeat): You Don’t Know About Me, Ella Vos. (Someone played this over the weekend and now I cannot stop listening to it).

Watching: I stayed up way too late and watched The White Lotus season finale on Max. (There is no way I can write about that today because I need some time to digest what happened so when/if I do write about it, I will be late to the party and you know what? I’m good with that. Just being real.)

Reading: Well, I’m listening to a book (see above). Does that count?

Most Hours Logged Doing: Learning more about how/where/why emotions are held in the body and what to do to release them.

Monday Morning Meditation: 4.7.25

When I take my mind off things, I feel the comfort of love.